we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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