I am puke
wanna go halves on a baby?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
