Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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