i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
