Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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