hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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