So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
