Whatcha textin bout Willis?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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