Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
