i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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