Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
she told me i tasted like america
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
