I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
