i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
