Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
