Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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