I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
