How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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