I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
