i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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