I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
splinters make it hard to masturbate
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
They are going to name an STD after you.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
