He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He shit in the fireplace
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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