never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
