All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
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