did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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