she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
