So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Randomize
