Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
