nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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