how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
