just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
