i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
