when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
not ubering you a puppy
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Randomize
