God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
