i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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