I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
