She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize