I like to think it a success when the cops are called
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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