If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Randomize
