Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
