Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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