i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
no, he came in my armpit
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
