Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize