What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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