My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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