if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
