It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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