brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Randomize
