I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
