He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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