Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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