I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize