I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Randomize
