Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Can i not drive my cunt home
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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