She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I love having hate sex.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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