my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
