Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
