Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
