I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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