When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Just invented taco cereal.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
