The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
