Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There r osticjed everywhere
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
