It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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